Be My Escape

I think the line that sticks out the most to me in this song...well, scratch that. An entire verse sticks out to me...

I'm giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how
He's told me the way and I'm trying to get there
And this life sentence that I'm serving
I admit that I'm every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair...

(Relient K, Be My Escape)

I'm having to live on that the last few days. I prayed a little bit last night, and it felt weird. I've tried to work out in my head why it is that when you come back to God, it's really, really difficult to talk to Him. I understand that if you're talking to a friend or family member after having a falling out, there's the fear of rejection, the "What if they don't accept me". I don't understand WHY it feels the same way with God, because in my head, I know that God is all-forgiving and always willing to take his children back, no questions asked. I know, in part, it's hard to talk to Him with all the guilt I feel. That's something He is going to have to take away, though, because when it comes to situations like this, I have a very hard time forgiving myself, let alone believing that God (or other people for that matter) can forgive me. All I can do at this point, is ask Him to help me heal. That, in and of itself, is hard.

I never had a good example of a father, so it is, and always has been hard to picture God as my father, and a loving one at that. My only comparison as far as father figures go is my earthly father...and I don't think many people truly, truly know what I went through growing up, and still have to deal with. I have explained it in a little bit of depth to a few people who know me best, but I don't even like to think about it too much, because at this point it still just makes me angry. Another area God is going to have to heal, and show me how to deal with it.

At the moment, I'm really trying to just take it one day at a time. Every day, do what God is asking me to do, one day at a time. I've always been the kind of person that, for some reason, really struggles when I can't see the big picture of things. I don't always like knowing JUST what I am supposed to do today, or tomorrow...I want to know that what I do today or tomorrow means that "this" or "that" will happen a year from now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now. It's a big lesson for me to learn, that I don't always have to know the outcome of everything right out the gate. But I am trying, so hard.

In a way, frankly, I am scared out of my mind. Because of everything that's happened in my life (again...a reason, not an excuse) I find it very hard to trust people. In turn, I end up not trusting God - the one person I know in my head I can trust 100%, fully, completely, with no second thought. I understand from a personal, life-experience level why that's so hard to transfer into the actual action of trusting God, but I also wish I could see past all the crap and mud. Another thing I'm working on...

In the meantime...I'm doing my best to talk as little as possible to the people I know will drag me down, and talk as much as possible with the people who I know I can trust to tell me the truth. One day at a time...