Coming soon, I promise

OK folks, here's the dealy-oh. I'm in the process of getting my blog transferred to a new host, so I can (finally) re-set up my Wordpress blog. As it stands, I currently have a WP blog, but because it's a free version, I can't set up Entrecard on there. I had originally planned on starting a Blogspot blog with the intention of transferring over all my WP blogs, but I've since discovered it's impossible to import/export between the two, leaving me to transfer every post one at a time (and losing all my comments in the process).

In any case, bear with me, my final, official blog will be set up here in the next day or two, as soon as my new blog host finishes the transfer of domain. In the meantime, feel free to keep heading over to www.sleepfordreaming.net and commenting there - and as soon as the transfer's done, I'll have Entrecard set up on there, too (instead of this desert of a blog, with nothing worth mentioning here!).

Thanks to all of you who've been visiting and dropping cards, I've just recently gotten into this Entrecard thing and I've been enjoying seeing who's visited, as well as returning the favor.

See you on the flip side!

Test

Testing, testing, 123

Attempting to import my blog over here. Apparently if you have a free Wordpress blog, they won't let you use Javascript codes (i.e. Entrecard). Also, apparently Wordpress won't let you import directly into Blogger, so I'll have to do all 140 posts one at a time, leaving all comments behind. I'll be deciding if it's worth it sometime soon...

So stay tuned, and in the meantime, head here to read all my latest blogs.

Be My Escape

I think the line that sticks out the most to me in this song...well, scratch that. An entire verse sticks out to me...

I'm giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how
He's told me the way and I'm trying to get there
And this life sentence that I'm serving
I admit that I'm every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair...

(Relient K, Be My Escape)

I'm having to live on that the last few days. I prayed a little bit last night, and it felt weird. I've tried to work out in my head why it is that when you come back to God, it's really, really difficult to talk to Him. I understand that if you're talking to a friend or family member after having a falling out, there's the fear of rejection, the "What if they don't accept me". I don't understand WHY it feels the same way with God, because in my head, I know that God is all-forgiving and always willing to take his children back, no questions asked. I know, in part, it's hard to talk to Him with all the guilt I feel. That's something He is going to have to take away, though, because when it comes to situations like this, I have a very hard time forgiving myself, let alone believing that God (or other people for that matter) can forgive me. All I can do at this point, is ask Him to help me heal. That, in and of itself, is hard.

I never had a good example of a father, so it is, and always has been hard to picture God as my father, and a loving one at that. My only comparison as far as father figures go is my earthly father...and I don't think many people truly, truly know what I went through growing up, and still have to deal with. I have explained it in a little bit of depth to a few people who know me best, but I don't even like to think about it too much, because at this point it still just makes me angry. Another area God is going to have to heal, and show me how to deal with it.

At the moment, I'm really trying to just take it one day at a time. Every day, do what God is asking me to do, one day at a time. I've always been the kind of person that, for some reason, really struggles when I can't see the big picture of things. I don't always like knowing JUST what I am supposed to do today, or tomorrow...I want to know that what I do today or tomorrow means that "this" or "that" will happen a year from now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now. It's a big lesson for me to learn, that I don't always have to know the outcome of everything right out the gate. But I am trying, so hard.

In a way, frankly, I am scared out of my mind. Because of everything that's happened in my life (again...a reason, not an excuse) I find it very hard to trust people. In turn, I end up not trusting God - the one person I know in my head I can trust 100%, fully, completely, with no second thought. I understand from a personal, life-experience level why that's so hard to transfer into the actual action of trusting God, but I also wish I could see past all the crap and mud. Another thing I'm working on...

In the meantime...I'm doing my best to talk as little as possible to the people I know will drag me down, and talk as much as possible with the people who I know I can trust to tell me the truth. One day at a time...

Time Won't Let Me Go

I had a link to this on Myspace, but I just took it off. I decided that I didn't want everyone who I'm linked to on Myspace to be able to read this. As far as I know, only a few people know about this...and I'd like to keep it to those few people. I feel better about it.

New favorite band: The Bravery. They have kind of a weird, indie-pop sound, but they've really grown on me since I first discovered them a few weeks ago. And now, some of their lyrics are hitting very, very close to home. When that happens...I know I'll be hooked on them for a while.

I'm in a weird mood today. I'm not quite all "here", if that makes sense. Lately my mind has been wandering far away, and I can't seem to make it quit. It's becoming more of a regular occurence, too, and I'm not quite sure how to deal with that or how to process it so that it makes sense. One thing's for sure, I need to figure out which direction I'm headed in life. Actually, I take that back. I can pretty much see which direction I'm headed, and lately, I'm not satisfied with it. I used to think I wasn't satisfied with the direction I was taking, but the direction I used to be unhappy with is the very direction I wish I was still headed.

Right now...I want a field, the back of a pickup truck (or the hood of a car, whichever), a Mountain Dew, maybe a cigarette, and someone close to talk to...with nothing but the stars as far as the eye can see.

I just don't know how to get that anymore.http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=2154550212149821409

_________ 2008?

I am concerned for our country.

Originally, I had thought McCain to be one of the best possible candidates for president. I liked (and still do like) how candid he is, and how he doesn't seem to waver on his political stances. His age concerns me a little bit, but he appears to be healthy and in good shape. I think that he has some very good things to say about the war in Iraq and terrorism in general, and I think that over the course of the last few years, he has been pretty dead-on when it comes to what's being done right, what's being done wrong, and what the effect will be.

But there is one major, major issue that concerns me greatly when it comes to John McCain. An issue that has been one of the defining factors in distinguishing a true Conservative from a Liberal, and one that, in my opinion, can never be treated lightly or put on the back burner.

According to McCain, the question of abortion should be left up to the states. He believes that overturning decisions such as Roe v. Wade should not be done at the federal level, but should be left up to the individual states to decide and determine whether they will allow it to continue. To me...whether he is pro-choice or pro-life...to me, that stance is a complete cop-out. To me, that is essentially stating, "Personally, I kinda don't like abortion, but I'm washing my hands of the issue and tossing it back to the states to decide whether unborn babies live or die - that way, if abortion is never overturned, nobody can blame me."

That right there is the reason that at the last minute, rather than filling in the little hollow dot next to "John McCain" on my voter's ballot last February 19th, I voted for Huckabee. I knew that yesterday would come, I knew that barring a miracle there was no way that Huckabee would win, but I also knew that I would never feel complete peace about voting for McCain.

I do not like either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton. That goes without saying. Clinton...to start on the amount of things wrong with her would take me a few days. If you want some background on the Clinton administration when Bill was president, read Unlimited Access by Gary Aldrich, an FBI agent who worked in the White House at the time. It's some seriously, seriously scary stuff, and I believe a mere preview into what this country would be looking at should Hillary become the next president. Obama...again, where do I start. I think he is a very smooth talker, and I believe he tells people exactly what they want to hear. I think that he knows that Clinton runs her mouth and employs smear tactics to make herself look better, and I think he knows how to play that to his advantage. It concerns me to no end that he will not even give a hint as to what religion he is now. Is he Muslim? Possibly. I doubt it, but it's possible. And just that possibility frightens me. The fact that he plays with his words to sound eloquent and believable frightens me. It frightens me that nobody sees through it. Someone told me yesterday, "I see Obama as a celebrity, not as a President." How true that is.

So who will I vote for in November? I am not, nor have I ever been, a "lesser of two evils voter". I believe that as Americans, we have not only a right but also a responsibility to vote. But, in whom does my responsibility lie? Am I responsible to vote for the person that I believe will do a better job in general, or am I held more responsible for voting for the person that will protect the lives of unborn children? I do not believe any candidate at this point will do that to the best of his or her ability. I will never vote for Obama, and I will never vote for Clinton. But is a vote for McCain essentially a vote for pro-choice?

I don't know at this point. All I know is, this country is in sad shape. We know the world is going to end sooner or later, and we know that this country and other countries will most likely go even more downhill than they have already. There will be more war. It is inevitable. But I'd like to think that in the meantime, things can be done to make some sort of progress.

How to get there, well...that's the question.

Sunrise, Sunset

So...I took my new header picture at Alki Beach. It's about...oh...10 minutes from my house, give or take. From one side of the beach, you can see a view like the one above. The Olympic mountain range in the background, ferries and Puget Sound in the foreground. From the other end of the beach, you can see the city skyline across the bay.

To the right, Mt. Rainier is perfectly visible on a clear day.

To the left, the city, Space Needle, skyscrapers...and always, more water.

I do love this city...

On the Up Side

I found out yesterday that we are (finally) getting health insurance at my job. Medical, dental, AND vision (and anybody who knows me will tell you that vision is an absolute must for yours truly). Thank God...finally. I have a few things I'd like to go to the doctor for, but I'll have to prioritize those things once I find out how much my insurance will be covering and how much I'll be paying for it.

I'd like to get my pinkie fixed. Last year I was at a barbecue with some friends and we were playing football and at one point I tackled someone and landed on my right hand - and my pinkie bent ALL the way back to my hand. I don't think I've ever had quite that much excruciating pain before. I literally could not sleep that night because my entire arm was throbbing. At the time, I worked for a chiropractor, so at work we were able to x-ray my hand. It didn't appear I'd broken anything, but it was very obviously badly sprained. Anyway, I never went to the doctor for it at the time, I just figured it would heal on its own. I splinted it myself with a popsicle stick and medical tape, but...it never healed properly. So now, it's still slightly larger than my other pinkie, and I can't straighten it all the way - it's perpectually bent at a strange angle.

The reason this bothers me is two-fold. First of all, it still hurts sometimes. If I bend it funny, or put too much strain on it, it tweaks it and it hurts. Secondly, I can't play the piano properly with my right hand. I have small hands anyway, but I used to be able to reach one note more than an octave...and I can't do that anymore. So, I'd like to get it checked out. Chances are they can't do anything for it at this point anyway, but I'd like to find out. I'm a little nervous they'll say, "Sure we can fix it, but we'll have to break it and re-set it properly," and I'm not quite sure what I'd say to that. We'll see.

I also get headaches really often. Sometimes they're migraines, sometimes they're just really bad headaches. Either way, I'd like some sort of prescription pain medication to take when those worst-case-scenarios pop up.

Finally, my eyes...it's been a long time since I've had them checked. My eyes are so bad I should probably have them checked once a year at LEAST, and it's been probably close to three. And I can tell they're worse...time for new contacts. There is always the option for Lasik surgery, too. I don't know if my insurance will cover any part of that or not, and to be honest, I'm not sure I'm willing to take the risks that come along with that. To me, the point would be to get my eyesight as close to 20-20 as possible...and I've heard too many stories of people who got Lasik and their eyes were "much, much better" but they still had to wear glasses or contacts. I don't want to waste money on surgery if I'm still going to have to spend just as much money on contacts. But we will see.

I'm not mentally "here" today, at work. I've had a cough for probably close to a month now, and it's starting to wear me out. I just don't feel that great...and I'd really just like to go home and sleep. Damn the need for money, or I wouldn't be here today.